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Literature Text
Welcome home! It has been long
Since we wrote our parting song
Help yourself in, by all means
I am tied to life machines
Haven't eaten, drunk and slept
Much from when I saw you last
I call it a "Love diet"
But the shrinks won't let me fast
They have used such scary things
Just to lead me off the track
But nobody could convince
Me that you're not coming back
They don't know about our deal
You have promised and you will
Always come back to my side
As an invisible guide
Since we wrote our parting song
Help yourself in, by all means
I am tied to life machines
Haven't eaten, drunk and slept
Much from when I saw you last
I call it a "Love diet"
But the shrinks won't let me fast
They have used such scary things
Just to lead me off the track
But nobody could convince
Me that you're not coming back
They don't know about our deal
You have promised and you will
Always come back to my side
As an invisible guide
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This idea crossed my mind while reading some stories I wrote cca 6 years ago, so it was supposed to be just a fictional theme... But actually, I am not sure whether it relates to the characters or to my life.
© 2012 - 2024 DelilahFire
Comments17
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WAAAAAAAAAAAAY late, but here’s a critique on behalf of 
‘s Synergy Program.
A very good rhyme and rhythm is kept throughout the entire poem. I personally find the introduction of hospitality and reunion very interesting because it seems very innocent, yet still gives a very macabre feel to it.
The lack of background information here (which can be either good or bad, depending on whether or not it was intended) really left a lot of the poem up to reader interpretations. At first, I thought the narrator may have been addressing a long-lost friend or lover, or an imaginary friend or a long-lost mental illness (judging from the title of the piece, of course). However, I did get a bit confused when I read the first line with “Welcome home!". Who would call an asylum home? As well, getting into more details, try to keep your past tenses constant. For example; in paragraph 3, “But nobody could convince...” is written in past simple passive, while the majority of the rest of the text is written in present perfect passive (“It has been long...”). Therefore, “But nobody could have convinced...” would’ve sounded better. Finally, paragraph 4’s “You have promised and you will...” also threw me off a bit, because didn’t the addressee return already?
Great job overall. Please let me know whether you agree/disagree to this critique. (Feel free to even critique the critique if you want, since I’m no professional myself!)
‘s Synergy Program.A very good rhyme and rhythm is kept throughout the entire poem. I personally find the introduction of hospitality and reunion very interesting because it seems very innocent, yet still gives a very macabre feel to it.
The lack of background information here (which can be either good or bad, depending on whether or not it was intended) really left a lot of the poem up to reader interpretations. At first, I thought the narrator may have been addressing a long-lost friend or lover, or an imaginary friend or a long-lost mental illness (judging from the title of the piece, of course). However, I did get a bit confused when I read the first line with “Welcome home!". Who would call an asylum home? As well, getting into more details, try to keep your past tenses constant. For example; in paragraph 3, “But nobody could convince...” is written in past simple passive, while the majority of the rest of the text is written in present perfect passive (“It has been long...”). Therefore, “But nobody could have convinced...” would’ve sounded better. Finally, paragraph 4’s “You have promised and you will...” also threw me off a bit, because didn’t the addressee return already?
Great job overall. Please let me know whether you agree/disagree to this critique. (Feel free to even critique the critique if you want, since I’m no professional myself!)